Sasha1972

Hello, I've been reading for a while but only now getting up the nerve to join and post. Here's me (and I apologize for using "they" and "them" rather than he or she, but I'm a little concerned about anonymity - please tell me if this is really annoying to read!):

-married to alcoholic for 22 years. I knew they "had a drinking problem" but was not aware of the extent of the addiction. Alcohol was not the only cause of our divorce, but it was definitely a major factor
-we have one child, aged 12. Our post-divorce arrangement was 50/50 shared parenting - not always easy and harmonious, but for the most part it worked well for kid
-in the last year, ex has gone downhill. Two attempts at residential rehab (backsliding immediately), one involuntary psychiatric hospitalization, on disability leave from job, impending bankruptcy, ended marriage to second spouse, several run-ins with police. Ex lies about drinking until they are "caught", then minimizes ("why are you making such a big deal ...?"). I suspect prescription drugs (benzos) are being used but do not know this for sure.

This wouldn't be my problem except for our child. The child loves their alcoholic parent and wants to see them as much as possible. At the moment, child stays with the other parent one or two nights per week. I am torn between wanting to support the child's relationship with the other parent and my knowledge that that parent has not stopped drinking and has not dealt with other mental health issues. Ex has told our child that they have completely stopped drinking and won't go back, and the child believes it. I can't justify telling the child "your other parent is lying". As far as I know, ex does not drink in front of the child and is generally on good behavior when the child is around on short visits.

The other thing I am worried about is allowing ex to become a "wedge" between child and me. If I tell child "no, you can't spend a week with ex because I don't think they can stay sober for that long", I become the bad guy who is trying to keep child and ex apart. Because child doesn't know the extent of ex's problems, child will blame me. As a result, I have gone a little further out of my comfort zone than I would like in terms of child spending time with ex.

I'm wondering if anyone has been here and has advice? How do you balance concern for your child's safety with the drinking parent with your desire for the child to have a good relationship with that parent? Do you just wait for the child to figure it out for him/herself, or do you tell them what you know? How much detail is too much? What should I be worried about? Thoughts welcome!