Afain, ty for all your responses.
I wanna make this clear - I'm in absolute no way suicidal. I just don't want to live anymore.
I'm in EXTREME withdrawal right now so I'm sipping on some wine. Tomorrow is a new day and I intend to make the most of it. My heart has stopped beating so fast since I started drinking the wine.
My problem is I'm not eating properly. I want to make it clear that I do not take Benzos while intoxicated. That's a clear sign I'm not suicidal. It's been 3 months that I've held down a job for more than a week, and i have had several stints of sobriety.
I've been here before. I know how it works. Don't get me wrong, I want to live - however death seems more enticing.
Tomorrow I start again to find a job. I have to make it. I'll keep y'all updated.