Pajanickah

Well, here I am again. First time in a long time (5 years) that I can't stop drinking. I wake up every few hours to EXTREME panic attacks and thoughts of doom.

I'm on the verge of homelessness and will probably only be able to live on my own for another 6 weeks.

I've had 5 jobs, (yes, five jobs) in the last two months. I get so panicked that I leave them after a week. I'm extremely upset with myself and have managed to gain almost 100 lbs during the course of a year.

I had to leave work this evening because I went into a full blown panic attack. I'm super ashamed of myself and really don't know where to begin.

I was prescribed benzos 3 years ago and believe they are the root to all my bad situations. I can't afford rehab, a detox is a joke to me. I say it's a joke because there way of detox is to pump you full of Benzos, vitamins and sleeping pills. I'm literally, stuck.

Really feel I'm a lost cause because anytime I start tapering a Benzo, I fall into a tailspin and have to supplement with alcohol. It's a catch 22.

I'm so scared, and have little to no desire to help myself. Benzo withdrawal is 10x worse than any alcohol withdrawal I've ever been through.

I literally have 2 grand to my name and that will be gone in 2 weeks to supplement my bills.

I don't know what to do. And at this point I don't care. I woke up at 4am with a full blown panic attack and know I'll be awake the rest of the day..

I'm sad, lost, depressed and over it. I don't know where to start.

Thanks for reading. Any suggestions are completely welcomed.