Good morning you wonderful people.
Still feeling off.
See I do this thing sometimes. I have no privacy outside of my house to smoke. It's not that I don't like my neighbours- I do. They are quite nice. But everyone likes to party. And I think all my years being on the farm has made me just want to sit and have a smoke in peace, or in the summer sit in my yard in the sun and not be bothered. I feel so crowded so I like to stay in my little box, and I smoked in my room last night, which is just bleh. And woke up with a hangover like headache again.
I know a part of it is this feeling of guilt hanging over me. I am trying to knock off some of the things from my list because ACTION is the only thing that's going to make me feel better. I have let some people down and doing so makes me feel like back in the bad olden days.
SO. I am knocking off some texts today to people I've been pushing off. I'm going to call the daycare today. I'm going to try to force myself to talk to my parents today. (UGH- I need money help. Which they said they would do- which wasn't enough)
I am going to aim for two meetings today. A noon one and I don't know when the evening one is.
I am going to Alanon because I need it. I need to let my boyfriend go. This relationship is going nowhere and it's unfair of me to string him along. That and I feel so vulnerable, he knows so much about me, I have been so open and honest, yet I know practically nothing about him. Like, he likes video games. Playing pool. Rush games with the buddies. We see each other maybe once a month and I haven't seen him since January. I don't want to hurt him.
I want the codependent in me to bugger off!! I am making this out to be way bigger in my head than it should. I was not prepared for a relationship. Sigh.
Adulting sucks sometimes.
I also am craving dirt. And seeds. And just sprouting seeds, and watching them grow and having my hands in dirt and enjoying the wonders of watching things grow into beautiful flowers or yummy vegetables. I miss the farm. Terribly.
Anyhow, another day, another not drinking day. Woot woot
