I can relate to the growing up. I had a extremely abusive ( physically and emotionally ) father and a mother who was a PA control freak. I lived with my grandmother until I started school but then my parents saw grandmother had made me useful by teaching me household stuff so they wanted me back to look after my younger siblings. I cooked Sunday lunches aged 8 and was in and out of school all my childhood minding various siblings while my parent conducted life as they wanted it. Fast forward. I am brain damaged cos of being shaken by my father and both sides of the family had alcoholics in them. My father was a recovered one when he married my mother but his behaviour wasn't recovered. He was a nightmare who had no idea of his own strength.
My own experience has been marrying alcoholics - twice. Two of my siblings are alcoholics and one is a very heavy drinker. I seem to have missed the alcoholic "gene" but still picked those types to marry. I am very introverted now. I rarely leave the house and have only one good friend I meet once a week for lunch. I think us children grow up with a core of fragility that never quite goes away when we have lived in those environments where we were not protected and nurtured.
I have a boyfriend too but he's not here much and it is likely he is moving permanently this year to get settled in Europe before the UK leave the EU for good. The clock is ticking on that now. I told him to go even tho he doesn't want to leave me cos one of us deserves to be able too.
When I saw = mess my first thought was no she is not. You will get there. It just takes time.((hugs))