I gave in and scored...so it's day 1 again for me.
Nothing seemed to work and to be honest I got fed up with it all...
I still am angry that I got the craving. WHY? Didn't I already surrendered? Didn't I already gave in, let my HP do it? I don't want this over and over again!!!!!!!!!!!
This is NOT how I want to spend my life you know - stupid cravings that make me cold, swetty and trembling.
All I know what to do is to come back again to the program. I got no choice really...the alternative (drugs) is killing me bit by bit and THAT I don't want either.
I went to a CA meeting today as that was the first possible meeting I could attend.
I got a LOT of love, understanding and support there and it felt really good.
Also what I've discovered is that despite me not liking it, I will have to surrender every single day again and again. Let me say this again: I do not like having to do this but I have no choice if I want to live and at least have a chance of a somewhat good life.
To be honest I was kinda ashamed to say to people outside the program that I believe in a Higher Power (or God as I sometimes call it)...I was affraid of what they might think of me, affraid of their reactions of possible rejection or that would think I was nuts or something.
But you know...also there I have no choice if I want to live...I will have to allow the HP of my understanding in my life and not be affraid to talk about it. It's what has kept me clean for over 4 months, that much I know.
Ah well, I'm getting up again, dusting my self off again and have come back to the program AND MY HP once again.
Thank you all for being here. Despite me being a stubborn man who's just trying to stay clean I really do need you.