My story-My husband is an alcoholic and I'm co-dependent
I introduced myself here last month. Here's my story.
My husband & I have been married for 15 years. No kids. My husband was just a casual drinker when we dated. He very gradually started drinking more frequently and more in quantity as well. In the beginning, he used to drink only on weekends including Friday night and only start drinking at night (with dinner). Gradually, he started drinking during the week beginning right after he got home from work. He combined the drinking with playing games on his computer. There were a few incidences that occurred which slapped me upside the head into realizing that he had a problem. Once, the smoke alarm was going off in the middle of the night. I could not wake him up. It terrified the crap out of me. Another incident was that he fell through the wall on his way to the restroom. And another time-my grandmother passed away and he knew something bad had happened the prior night, but didnít know what it was.
Heís not violent or abusive when drinking. Heís mostly just obnoxious, however he tries to mask it. Sometimes, heíll focus on things obsessively when drunk. Heíll speak in incomplete sentences. The alcohol seeps through his skin but he hasnít a clue. He believes that vodka has no scent.
It was probably about 7 years ago that I realized he had a drinking problem. I learned many years ago to not talk to him about anything (especially important) when he was drinking. It was probably about 3 years ago that I realized he was an alcoholic. That is when I started voicing my concerns.
We sought marriage counseling but he refused to discuss the alcohol problem. In the counseling sessions, he wanted to point out all my flaws and discuss none of his. I didnít see a point in proceeding with the counseling.
In Dec of 2015, I told him that I just couldnít deal with it anymore. I wanted a separation. And the weird thing is, I wanted the separation to see if we would be happier by ourselves, not really to work on the marriage. He refused to give me a separation and promised that he would work on it. He went cold turkey sober for about 2 Ĺ months-3 months. Then the drinking started back up again. He had a stressful day at work and drank. That opened up the can of worms because then he started drinking on weekends again. He gradually worked back up to drinking from Friday after work to Sunday night. Sometimes he wouldnít drink on Sunday. And many weeks he would drink at least one day during the week as well especially if we went out to dinner. So, that was the routine that he fell into during 2016. I saw history slowly repeating itself.
He wants so desperately to be a social drinker, but he has a hard time stopping once he starts. After a particularly bad weekend on Memorial Day weekend, I began to go to Al-Anon weekly. It helped, especially at first. I stopped attending after a few months. I read up on co-dependency and on alcoholism. The holidays hit (2016) and he had a lot of time off from work. He drinks when heís got time on his hands. So, drink, he did. I fell back into my routine of watching him drink. I checked the level on the vodka bottle to determine how much he had drank. It broke my heart. By the time the holidays came around, he was already drinking 4 of 7 days of the week. The holidays put it back into full gear.
On new years day, we had another fight. He could feel my resentment & anger. I asked for another separation, which he refused again. He says that he will spiral out of control if we separate. That weighs heavily on me. I told him that he reverted back to his old ways during the holidays which he had promised not to do. He disagreed that he reverted but did agree that he was drinking more because of the time off from work. He promised again to ďwork on itĒ.
So, right now, he drinks Friday night. Then on Saturday, he starts at noon and drinks all day. He hasnít been drinking on Sunday, but I can tell that heís trying to keep himself busy to avoid the temptation. Although, I was out of town this weekend and when I returned on Sunday, he was drunk. He was trying to mask it but I knew. I did not say anything.
I hate spending weekends with him. I dread Fridays because that begins the binge. I just hate who he is when he drinks. On Saturday, he plays his video games so heís not even around me. However, I know what heís doing. I can hear the multiple trips to the frig, and it disgusts me. Iíve searched multiple times for hidden alcohol but Iíve never found any. I watch the level on the vodka bottle. Sometimes, I pour some down the drain. Iíll check the trash bin for empty beer bottles. Iím not sure what I expect to accomplish by doing these things.
I guess at this point, Iím just wondering if itís even possible for an alcoholic to become a social drinker? Can they control it? Or should I just expect things to gradually go back to the old ways? Thanks for listening.