Reading this thread and, hopefully, don't hijack it. In my case, W is A - I'd say recovering A (having come out of rehab a month or so ago), but was off the wagon last weekend (she drove up to neighborhood bar).
Like the OP, we have children: a 16 year old and a 2.5 year old.
I had "stayed out of her recovery" (and her rehab stint): didn't pry into rehab or, really begrudge the time it takes away from the family.
Still, life goes on. Bills need to be paid. Diapers changed. Etc. SOMEONE has pick up all the slack at home while at the same time working a full-time job.
To me, I interpreted "supporting" her recovery as making the "space" for her recovery to happen.
Oh, your AA meeting on Saturday is at 2pm to 3pm? Ok, honey, I'll watch the 2.5 year old. You do what you gotta do.
But, after the latest relapse . . . I'm not sure that I'm supporting her recovery rather than making life easy for her - because this just continues the narcissism of alcoholism (me and my booze first) into the narcissism of recovery (me and my recovery first).
Today, though we are barely speaking after latest relapse, AW called and asked if I could be home before 6pm - when she has an AA meeting (she likes this one best because it's an all woman's group).
My response: no.
Honestly, after *all* of the schedule twisting, home balancing, and other stuff we've been through (so that she could go to meetings, go to rehab, etc.) . . . it just dawned on me that *SHE* needs to find someone other than me to "solve" these issues/problems associated with her (alleged) recovery . . . and that someone else is really: her.
She has NOT said it this way . . . but, still there's an undercurrent of "I'm trying to get better and if you loved me, you'd help me by doing all of these things like altering your plans, etc."
This strikes me as more manipulation. When she fails . . . as she already has . . . it becomes another "excuse". My husband didn't support my recovery (which is the counterpart of - "I can't do this without you" - sure you can . . . you drink without me just fine).
Perhaps I'm thinking about this all wrong . . . but, in contorting MY life (work hours, relaxation hours, etc.) around HER recovery "schedule" . . . she cannot fully recovery (because part of life, real life, is learning to deal with *all* of the daily mess of life). And all I do is get pizzed off if/when she falls off the wagon (because why/what am I doing all this contorting and schedule re-arranging for).
Put differently, if she has a meeting and needs to find a sitter for our 2.5 year old - then (i) go to a meeting where the same is offered; or (ii) find a sitter - pay one if necessary - other than me.
Or am I just rationalizing being an ******* tonight?
MCE Saint