Originally Posted by
LynCM 
totfit, I am so appreciative for insight like yours from the other side of the fence. My relationship with my spouse isn't terrible. We have good communication skills usually, and we don't shy away from feelings/emotions. I like to think I consciously try to not push him to talk AA or recovery if he doesn't want to, and I have the perception that he acknowledges and is appreciative of that. His AA world is his, that's fine. The impact, as you've hit right on the head, is that his
extended time with his sponsor (is it really extended? is this normal, and I'm just stinking up a fuss?) is impacting what little family time we have. He's not spending time with our daughter (or me, but I'm more concerned about the development of their relationship).
There was a post that I came across elsewhere (unknown source, I apologize), where a sponsor was talking about his sponsee:
In my (inexperienced) mind, there HAS to be a balance. Like you said, what's the point? And I know it turns into a chicken v. egg thing (family without sobriety, or sobriety without family), but WHY does it have to be an all or nothing situation?
You can't ignore family/work/life and expect to come back to anything healthy there, either! I have so many possible analogies for this, but it has to be obvious. I know AA is important. I know recovery is the priority. but when other things get neglected, they're going to decay. I guess I'm not ready to watch my family decay.
Tangent, I apologize. clearly that's a topic that gets me very heated. But back to your response, I will work harder to do what I can to focus on me and my daughter, do things for US. Not let my husband decide my happiness for me. Thanks again for your insight!
Can I just double check. He was with this new sponsor from 8AM til 11PM. From 8 in the morning til 11 at night? Is that correct?
That seems a long time to me if I did read it right.
If it is the case, then hopefully this is just to give him a real firm footing, and they're presumably getting a lot done quite quickly. My sponsor gave me the stuff and spent a few hours for each step explaining it to me, and making sure I understood it, then left me to reflect and work on it. The next meeting I'd go through what I'd done and then she'd set me off on the next step. Steps 5 and 9 were more heavy going. Thing is, that stuff is pretty exhausting so surely they're not doing step work all that time?
Are you satisfied at heart that he is where he says he is, and with who he says he is? I hate sound discouraging if he really is putting that amount of work in, but just thought I'd ask. Maybe it's a regional difference between how sponsors work. Or maybe he was a real hot mess and needs that level of support. I dunno. Let us know how it progresses.
Have you read the BB yourself? There's a section written specifically for partners (a bit old fashioned in language and tone and it makes some people's blood boil, but it does explain the commitment and what it is, (and what it is not) pretty well. The other thing to read would be the pamphlet about sponsorship which you can download from the AA website, it'll be under literature somewhere.
I would say that actually, if it is not a short term arrangement and his opting out of his paternal responsibilities and relationship become ongoing and regular, then you have every right to express your concern. The steps are supposed to enhance our relationships and lives, not detract from them. Our sponsors help us understand the tools at our disposal, and teach us how to use them, so we can go off and use them. That is always going to be a slow process to an extent, as we can't change all our thinking overnight. 8 in the morning to 11pm sessions, and treating those who love us without due consideration or respect is actually not part of the program. Not at all. If his sponsor is encouraging this then in my opinion that's not good. Perhaps the sponsor doesn't realise that this is causing problems, and he may think that your partner is texting or calling to keep you informed.
Anyway. This turned into a ramble on my part and I apologise for that, but your predicament has been playing on my mind.
I suppose the thing is, AA is very very close to my heart. It has been a life changer for me. In many many ways. As well as keeping me sober, and bringing me maturity and sanity, and some accountability, it has gifted me my first sober female friends that I have been able to be close to and completely honest with. It helped me reconcile myself to God, and Trust him to love and forgive me. It brought me home spiritually. For this reason I find it disturbing when the fellowship causes problems for the partners of the people it is supposed to be helping. Most of us arrive at AA having already caused our families quite enough heartache and distress, and the last thing we should be doing is adding to that in our recovery.
Anyway. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn or said anything to cause distress. You and hubby (and his sponsor) continue to be in my prayers.
God bless you and your family, BB