I've seen a few posts that made me think about this short term thinking problem we seem to have as addicts. I think it comes from always thinking about the next fix, so thinking in the short term, all the time. We turn it on it's head with "one day at a time" - saying "I won't drink today/this afternoon/tonight".
Anyway, we end up worrying about an upcoming birthday party/wedding/vacation/social gathering that is "coming up soon".
I have five days/one month/6 weeks sober, this is great, but I'm worried because of this event coming up, everyone will be drinking/historically I always drink at these drinking functions/my best friend from college is coming. We talk about these elaborate plans to navigate it:
I will tell the bartender to make fake drinks for me/I will drink soda water and tell all of my drunk friends that I'm on medication/I will go to the bathroom every half hour and check in on SR.
All of which
can work.
But the real change in not drinking is having a life that revolves around things that don't have drinking as an activity. A cocktail party is a cocktail party. Drinking buddies are drinking buddies, whether we knew them in college or not. The change that needs to accompany the elimination of alcohol is eliminating aspects of a life that revolves around alcohol.
I feel like not saying NO to these events is short term thinking. To me, one day at a time has evolved from "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second", to "one day of saying no to alcohol right this second and of saying no to a life that includes alcohol-centric events, right this second".
Case in point: My girlfriend drinks. She is a "normie" and thus a mythical creature I don't understand. We go to the supermarket once a week. She goes to the beer aisle and stands there for awhile thinking about which flavor craft beer she wants to buy one bottle of to go with whatever meal or activity she is thinking about having a beer with. She drinks one beer, several times a week, and often doesn't finish it.
When she goes to that aisle, I head for the next aisle over, with the list and the cart. It's a small thing. But I have no business in that aisle and I don't frankly like it. Can I "power through it"? Sure! Is it going to make me suddenly say f- it, I'm buying a six pack? No! It's just something I do automatically.
I also just don't go out with people for cocktail hours, "beers after work" drunken gatherings, etc. I say no to these things, and in my head, I am saying YES to a nice bath, a book I'm reading, coffee with a different friend, a hike with my dog, a sober gathering, a nice dinner with people who aren't drinking as a sport, etc.
It's just simpler. But it's also saying YES to sobriety, in the long term. I don't want this to be short term sobriety. I want long term sobriety, one day at a time. So I keep things uncomplicated in the long term by not allowing short term problems to exist.
I actually worried in the beginning about going to the bar across from the office and drinking water. I really worried about it. I thought, "aw, shoot, I have to drink water there, and explain every time I go that nah, I'm not drinking today". I worried about the drinking after work meetings, told myself to check SR on my phone in the bathroom. Then I realized: I can just
not go. ???!!?!?!
Yup, we can NOT GO. And guess what? It's actually NOT complicated.
It's been almost seven months and I've stopped getting the invites a long time ago. No one, especially me, cares. I'm not an outcast. I'm not dysfunctional. I'm in recovery, and I don't even talk about it most of the time to anyone but other recovery people.
There's a lot of stuff to think about, to fix, in my life that is directly related to years of drinking. I can't imagine trying to make things better for myself if I'm enmeshed in the drama of navigating drinking situations multiple times a week, or even once. I can't imagine wanting to take time out of my sober life to spend even one day, let alone a weekend, or a week, on a vacation with a group of drunk friends or relatives. Could I survive it? Probably...? But it would not be good for my sobriety, and my sobriety comes first, in the long term, by making decisions in the short term.
I hope my thoughts today help people. Incidentally it's people on this forum that helped me to learn to think this way. Doggone Carl, Dee72, Anna, and a few others who I try to pay attention to. There's a lot of wisdom here, and no one can make us do anything we don't want to do, but for me, learning this, and getting it under my skin, into my head, changing how I think over time, was really key. Thanks, guys!
In Gratitude,
B