Hi Allie, I read what you wrote and my heart goes out to you. I skipped page two of the replies (which were all great) so if I repeat something that has already been said my apologies.
First, the withdrawal. It sucks! I mainly drank at night too until I passed out so nights were especially difficult for me too. I had the shakes, throwing up, diarrhea, nausea and like you I had the thought that just a drink would calm all this crap down. But, also like you, I knew that I wouldn't stop at one.
Rehab was not an option for me either as I had no insurance and was a contractor and could not afford to lose my job. Plus I have kids but I was also living with my mom by this time because my life had totally fallen apart. I was (and am) attending AA so I derived a lot of strength from them during the day. Also if I kept busy that helped. The nights were the worst because normal people were asleep! Mine went so far that I couldn't even go in my own room because that is where I did the majority of my drinking so I couldn't lay in my own bed. It was over two weeks before I felt safe enough to sleep in there.
I took books and laid in the living room on the recliner and watched tv and dozed. People assured me that nobody ever died from a lack of sleep and eventually my body would wear out and I would fall asleep. I did. I would doze here and there. What kept me going was this thought. If I could just get through this, I didn't EVER have to go through it again if I didn't want to. It worked! 13 months later I can still remember this time like it was yesterday and I don't EVER want to forget it lest I become doomed to repeat it.
For help, my group is a big advocate of natural honey. My significant other has 16 years in the program and has his newcomers eat ice cream. The body processes it similar to how it processed alcohol. I kept chocolate with me and sucked on that. Sugar does help although it is no majic bullet. It is just something you'll have to get through but it is possible and you CAN do it.
Above all, stay busy. Keep your mind occupied. Read, clean house, cook like you have been and keep posting on here and reading older posts. Realize you are not alone and you CAN do this thing. If you have meetings nearby get to a meeting. Even if you don't want to share, just being in the company of other sober alcoholics is very encouraging. If you do choose to share, you will find lots of people willing to reach out to you and help, share what helped them and even offer to let you call them in the middle of the night.
Above all, do NOT pick up a drink. I know today that picking up a drink will never solve any problem. It will add to the problem. I'll feel like crap the next day and still have the problem.
And finally, quit worrying at this point about your relationship and the things you've done to your family and whether or not they will forgive you. FIRST THINGS FIRST!!! Don't drink, no matter what. Later on after you have been sober for a while is the time to take a look at those things. You are powerless over them just as you are powerless over drinking so quit beating yourself up over them. They are in the past. The future isn't here yet so you don't know what it's going to hold. Stay in today, stay in the moment and make sure that moment is a sober moment. That you CAN control.
Big hugs to you sweetie! I wish you all the best!
Kellye