What it was and what it became
It started as a warm flush to my cheeks, a carefree start to planning a well plated meal, a celebratory start to a long week at work. “Happy” happy hours. Places with a good wine list.
And then it became something else. I believe now for me at least, it had always been waiting to show itself what it had been all along. All it needed was for me to rely on it during one of the darkest periods of my life, and then it would show me what havoc it could unleash upon me.
My glass was like the devil coming to collect his tax after it knew I started to rely on it and need it.
It became my shame for giving myself on a few occasions to men I had no desire to share myself with, and then compounded by more shame for being used, and for allowing it.
It became my quickest and easiest pain free attempt at escaping myself, unbeknownst to me that there would in fact be a price and that eventually I would be facing myself I would have even more to resolve within myself.
It became my loneliest friendship, which over time ironically ensured it was all that remained.
It ensured ever good intention I had for myself was put in a perpetual hold. Over time it made me believe that those dreams and intentions were not possible I was not deserving or capable of such accomplishments.
It changed my thought processes in such a way where I had become averse to consequences. I woke up fearful of myself the things I had allowed myself to do to myself, and the risks I took.
It became the fog that clouded all of my judgements, and took my ability to express thoughts or experience emotions coherently, I wasn’t able to feel the good, but for some reason it became an amplifier for anything bad.
It took my faith in others, my family…my friends and even closed my heart. It provided me with shame, guilt, diminished self-worth and a new hostile worldview. This was it’s greatest chance at ensuring it would remain the sole heir to whatever heap of pickled flesh I turned into.
It took the color from my life and changed everything to grey.
Most profoundly…trauma, pain or crisis changes a person, and then you can’t go back to being who maybe you once were, because you can’t ‘unknow’ what you now know. Drinking through a personal crisis brings your pain to a depth that is accompanied by every fear you have ever had, guaranteed to be compounded by new ones.
It will make you believe that you are of no worth to this world. Its greatest talent is in killing you off slowly spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, until you fail to truly exist.
I want to get so very far away from what I traded to drink and what I allowed drinking to take from me.
**I am probably not at a point where I can offer anyone advice and due to my work right now, I’m not able to post as often as I might even need. Writing was the one thing I used to enjoy, when my brain was able to formulate complete coherent sentences and I wasn’t void of emotions that weren’t cloaked in disgust, rage and a nasty
hangover.
So all I can do is try to get this out as I move into a new month of not uncorking a bottle of wine.
Still scared, still ashamed, but I am still trying.
For the regular posters out there…I see your names come up repeatedly with incredible advice, support and a lot of clarity for people struggling early in this change. I appreciate reading your posts. They are likely helping others to save theselves.