Hi All,
I've just been kind of in a funk the last few days, feeling down. A couple weeks ago my xabf informed me he was interested in seeing other people, which was hard to hear. We broke up about 6 months ago and he always told me that we were taking time apart to work on ourselves, so I have been hoping this whole time that we would be able to reconcile one day and believed him that he was on the path to recovery. Reading through this forum has kind of been a reality check in that I realize now, that is all just sh*t an A says for whatever reason, but it doesn't mean anything. I see that now. It's a hard pill to swallow.
I've been going to AlAnon, ACA and a therapist. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on, so I know I'm moving forward in my life.
I think what has me in a funk now is that him saying that was kind of the nail in the coffin for our relationship. So maybe I'm just depressed because that's what stage of grief I'm in right now? Also, I've been reading through this forum and am realizing more and more that he's in serious trouble with his drinking, which I fear is going to take him to some bad places. He's out there doing God knows what with God knows who and it's hard to let go of that. I know I must and I'm working on it, but it still hurts. I have this weird fear that when he comes back to town, he'll be married or something crazy. Just because A's are crazy and you never know what they'll do. And I can see him just jumping into something else as just another coping mechanism along with the drinking.
I see from reading through here that this could be a very bad road for him and that makes me sad. I'm also realizing that I can't do anything about it and I have to let go. My head knows it and now my heart is catching up. It makes me sad to let go of the dreams we had together and really accept that they are gone. That even IF he were in recovery (which he's not), it would be a very long road before we could even consider a relationship again - if I would even want to at that point. Even if an A is in recovery, I know that is also a hard life to live, always wondering when the next slip will be, so not sure that's for me even if it becomes an option at some point.
I know I've come a long way in the last 6 months, so I guess it's kind of discouraging to be feeling depressed now. I guess I should feel relieved that I'm out of that situation without too much damage done and I am on some level. But it just sucks to know that the person you loved so much is no longer that person. And maybe you loved them because of your OWN sick thinking. So was it all a lie? Was any of it real? It's so confusing to sort through.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Would love some encouragement!