Thank you everyone for getting me out of the morbid rut in my head. Sitting alone brooding on morbid thoughts, just lends them power, I feel much better now, and yes, ready to change. Because I want to see what I can be, before it is too late.
I live alone, and today is the first time in nearly 2 weeks (the drinking, then the withdrawals) that I have looked around me. My house is a nasty dump, this morning was the first time I had enough energy and had stopped shaking hallucinating enough to go get a bath, and I found a lump of vomit in my hair, I haven't seen anyone for days and days because I have been hiding and sitting petrified afraid to close my eyes because of the images. And I seriously think that things can get worse if I stop for good?