Hopefulone18

I have been through so much in the last two years with my husband. It kills me to say that he is a heroin addict. I mean when I think about it, sit down and try to wrap my brain around it, I feel like this can NOT be real and this must all be a sick joke. I'm sure we have all felt the same. I had (yes had) a great life. We were that "it" couple, full of life and ready to take on the world together. We've been together for so many years that I couldn't wait to get married and start the next chapter of our lives, babies, building our dream house, vacations, everything that comes from hard work and a desire to face life head on. . . When I found out that my husband who works in the medical field had started taking percocet I went insane, when I found out that that addiction lead to him sticking needles in his veins..... loosing it doesnt even begin to explain how I felt. In the last YEAR, (I say this shockingly because I can not believe what has transpired in one short year) he has been to three rehabs all unsuccessful, I have kicked him out and taken him back numerous times, and he has most recently been arrested. He was pulled over with a single bag of heroin in the car. Sadly, this did not lead to much... he was placed on a probation that we have in my state where you have to call into the probation office every morning and if they call your color (which they do about three times a week) you have to immediately show up at the office for a drug test. During this probation he had 60 days clean and sober. It was the most amazing time, I know how sick this must sound, but I had peace. It was no longer up to me to be the "sober police", he had to answer to the law, and after three nights in jail the law was his biggest fear. We were back to normal, having fun, going out on dates, going to movies, enjoying life like the old days and im not ashamed to say that it felt amazing. . . This all came to an end monday when he had court and EVERY CHARGE WAS DROPPED DUE TO HIS SUCCESSFUL COMPLETION OF THE COLOR SYSTEM!!!!!!! ... I was devastated. only two months? seriously? two months of probation for HEROIN!! I mean it's no wonder they dont learn their lessons or have any fear..... Now the sober police is back, its been three days and I already feel like im right back to where I was a few months ago, afraid, anxiety ridden, and most of all just plain sad. Is his relapsing next? I of course want to hope not but I have been through this many times... I just don't know if I can handle another episode.

- Thanks for reading*