After years of therapy it's the consensus that my use/abuse of alcohol is secondary and caused by underlying issues.
I NEVER touched drugs or alcohol until I got married where I was forced to confront my intimacy issues and became disoriented by flashbacks. It never occurred to me it would become an issue. I now know better.
I'm attempting to develop healthier ways of coping. My old way was to go tell my husband the neighbor was annoying me. He'd take care of it.
As I got older, of course I realized how codependent and dysfunctional I was behaving. I knew something was wrong.
I did not have the tools or the strength to deal anymore.
My alcohol use started with someone just trying to end the confusion in my mind and relax.
I worked at first. Until of course it didn't.
Funny thing is I can't stand the taste or smell of it. I use it like a disgusting , foul tasting medicine.
I would get so panicked I had a doctor ask me if i was using cocaine.
I never have, ever. Wouldn't know where to get it and don't want to know.
My husband always had wine in the house. Didn't take me long to realize a sip from his glass had a magical calming effect.
I read the book by the Passages Malibu founder.
It's the only thing I've been able to relate to and accurately describes a workable treatment plan.