Triggers and realizations
I used to people please. If everyone loved me, I'd never be abandoned. I'dnever have to be afraid.
Obviously, this is a crazy, inauthentic way to live.
My mind automatically filtered or shut out anything painful. I remember dissociating during many unpleasant experiences.
Trouble is, when I tried to behave differently
My most recent trigger was watching the dysfunctional family next door and how they were interacting.
The older woman was driving everyone else crazy with her demands and needs. Extremely controlling, insisting everyone do it "her way".
Well, my reaction when she commented on my dogs collar(which she didn't like), the religious statue in my garden of the virgin Mary, and all of her other intrusive questions was not good.
I'm 53 years old. I don't owe her an explanation, yet I was brought up to be polight.
I was actually speechless, and felt like running because I wanted to tell her to mind her f'ing business and go into a tirade about how I dont owe her an explanation, who the hell asked her, and that the entire universe isn't here to do it "her way"
Of course instead of doing that I went in the house fuming, feeling disrespected and frustrated because I couldn't effectively put her in her place.
I was mad as as hatter. No outlet. What did I do? Binged. Beat MYSELF up.
Does anyone have any insight as to why the heck I'm like this or what I should do?
This is a recurring issue with me. I just want to be free of this.