I felt similar to how you describe it in my last days of drinking. I wasn't binge drinking by then but a daily drinker (didn't get drunk but needed it to be able to function I thought) and I tried to not drink for 2-3 weeks which led to drinking every other day roughly and constant withdrawal before I made a serious attempt at quitting.
I felt suicidal, angry, anxious, helpless, totally overwhelmed, everything was too much, I had no perspective and I thought I needed the alcohol to keep my bad memories (family issues, being raped and later robbed as a late teen/ young adult) locked away. I can also relate to the punishing.
The first two weeks of sobriety were like hell. I couldn't do anything. I just sat in my kitchen, tried to eat and drink lots of water and tea and kept reading and posting on here. That's pretty much all I did. I wrote lots of my thoughts down, tired to allow myself to experience my emotions, even if bad, rather than drowning them in booze.
The good thing is, if you stop drinking and punishing yourself it will get better. It's not easy, really it's hard work but so worth it. And I think you're worth it too
