Originally Posted by
SparkleKitty 
Wellllll, honestly this is why I am always spouting about being alone for a long time when one enters recovery from codependency. About purposely avoiding relationships so you can focus on yourself and who you are when you are alone.
One CAN grow and learn about oneself in a relationship, for sure. But it's a lot harder and a lot more confusing, especially when you don't have a strong foundation of self to begin with.
I'm not advocating breaking up with your BF, but you have to know going into it that the work you want to do to discover who you really are is much more complicated and difficult when you are in a relationship.
Thank you SparkleKitty! I always love when you share with me.....
You know, what's funny? My first sponsor did exactly what I did. She divorced her XAH and then got right into a relationship. She often told me that she wished she had waited but that things just unfolded as they did and 2 years later she married him. They've been together now for about 18 years but she used to tell me, "Just because I'm not married to an alcoholic, doesn't mean it was easier. I still had so much work to do on myself." Well, newbie to program that I was, I didn't hear much of what she said really. I was like, "What's her problem? She got out. She was free from living with an alcoholic. Isn't that what heals us?"
Oh....if I only knew then what I know now, right? I had to take me with me. My bf is a good man. We have a happy life but he knows I struggle with a lot of things and he keeps his 'comments and opinions' to himself unless I specifically ask. He truly believes I need to fail, I need to have those self esteem building experiences as Dandy mentioned, so that I can figure out just what I'm made of. Sometimes his intuition and his self confidence overwhelm me because I often wish I was more like that.
It's really freaking hard to work through years of damage and shame that have been weighing on my soul and then to be in a relationship as well. The good news is, my bf isn't needy. He understands if I need to work things out or if I get in my head and need peace. He's never jealous of other things that take my time. He does't demand things of me that I'm not capable or able to give. I have a lot of freedom in this relationship and I'm hoping that I don't have to break up with him, just to figure out my own crap, because that wouldn't be fair to him or to our kids.
I recently revealed to him my most painful childhood memory regarding being molested when I was 6 and 7 at my babysitter's house. I did years of therapy and still I carry around some deep subconscious things regarding the abuse. He had no idea and it took me 2 years to tell him about it. I don't feel that shame anymore but sometimes my mind and my soul and my body have walls up between themselves that I've never been free from and I honestly doubt I ever will be free from when it comes to this. I did hypnotherapy for it years ago and was able to face some of the challenges that came about from the abuse. I worked my steps around it at times, as well. I think that sort of pain hides deep in our subconscious and I'm not really sure freedom is in the cards for me. Acceptance has come and I no longer feel like it was my fault and that is OK with me today. As morbid as it sounds, sometimes I think death is the only way to heal our deep-seated subconscious pain. There are just some things that we will always carry with us and I've made peace with that.