Thank you, everyone, for words of support. I have noticed it is essential to have a circle of support while grieving. This was not the first time, perhaps 3d time with my ex to try to make it work. And each time I invested more in her well being. Now I feel very hopeless that it is almost impossible to make a change, even if there were a lot of effort, compromise, and understanding.
Today I just found hidden empty bottles of vanilla extracts in my house; she must have been drinking them beyond our agreed amount before her committing to a recovery program. And it broke me very hard. So hard, that breathing became tough.
Combined with alcoholism, a severe mental illness such a borderline, bipolar or narcissism personality disorder makes it a tremendous monster to deal with. I would love to read experiences of dual diagnosis cases and would appreciate if you know where to find them.