Dealing with Lonliness
I have been feeling a bit down on myself lately. I have 4 1/2 months sober now, and just feel like I have been slowly taking a turn back to my depressed state of mind. One of the issues I have been dealing with is how to handle the lack of physical and emotional intimacy.
A lot of this probably stemmed from a 4 year relationship that ended while I was beginning my recovery journey; my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me while I was in rehab. This was after we had already discussed how we were going to work on our relationship when I get out and attempt to rekindle things, then she dropped the bomb on me days before I left. She said she thinks I shouldn't be in a relationship and that I should work on myself. I know a lot of that is BS and that she basically picked the single/partying lifestyle over me. Even shortly after I realized this was the correct decision and that things likely wouldn't have worked between us, and part of me always felt that she was never the person I wanted to spend my life with, but I am hurt over it all the same.
Things felt good for a bit after, and I felt at peace with the decision, but now emotions are beginning to flood again in a torrential downpour. I know it was the correct decision, and yet I still think about this all the time. I have dreams almost nightly that I am still with her. This is even after I began to realize more and more how she treated me like **** after I moved in with her, and how she treated me like I was an expendable commodity.
I am at the point where I want to desperately move on. I see many of my friends who have been through divorces, around the same time my relationship ended, and are already bouncing back. Most of them have other girls they are talking to or have begun to pursue romantic interests, and meanwhile I have nothing. I don't get it either. I am a good looking guy, fit, muscular, intelligent, have a well paying established career, have an easy going go with the flow type of personality, and yet I feel like I am just meandering through life completely unnoticed. I am 32 years old now and I feel like the prime of my life is being wasted away.
I just don't even know how to meet people anymore. My routine is basically work, gym, meetings, go home and read for bit, go to sleep, then wake up and do it all over again. Sometimes I don't even know why I am still going through this recovery journey.
Anyways, just wanted to rant a bit and was hoping maybe someone may understand.