deadflowers87

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I'm here because (like so many apparently) I had the misfortune to fall in love with an alcoholic. I know what I need to do- I just need some support as I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to walk away.

I met him nearly two years ago while I was in another very very unhappy relationship. I was drinking heavily at the time myself, most days, although I was "functioning" - work was not affected etc. When he and I started seeing each other he almost jokingly told me he was an alcoholic but I brushed it off, as I was drinking a lot, we live in a place with a "drinking culture" and I thought he was being dramatic. Like many stories I have since read, it quickly became a very intense passionate relationship. He moved in within a couple of months. And thats when the problems really started. You all know the drill - drinking while I was at work. Drinking to excess the night before his work and calling in sick. Hiding his drinking. Sneaking around. Tears. Fights. Promises. etc etc etc. It escalated to me having to get his family to pick him up after he had been on a binge and went to work drunk, walked out, and drove home 60 miles while drunk. After that he broke down and agreed to go for help. He chose a religious organisation, who use a total seclusion from the rest of the world method, so I had to say goodbye to him and know we would have no contact at all for at least five months. Long story short - his family who didn't like me (religious differences) interfered, he didn't get my letters and he didn't come back when I expected, and didn't get in touch when he came back.

The next time I saw him was when he turned up in my living room drunk in the middle of the night, a few months after returning from rehab.

I resisted for a while, but we got back together. I'm sure you've heard it all before, but - when he's good, he's really really good. I have never loved anyone like I love him. I know he loves me intensely. We just fit each other in many many ways. He makes me totally happy, apart from the drinking.

He started to see a counsellor. Started exercising. Planning a return to education. We started making plans. He was managing to not drink, or at least had drastically cut the binges down.

But it was still occasional. And there were days where I thought he smelt of drink, or seemed a little off.

He knew it was me or drink. And today I caught him, sneaking drink. He had hidden a bottle of wine outside the house and was going in and out for drinks, using various excuses such as having a cigarette or taking the bins out.

He has gone out now with a friend. I have told him not to come back tonight and that I will pack his things tomorrow.

I know I have to do this. My father was an addict, and when I lived with this boyfriend last time, it brought back way too many sad and scary feelings. I do not want to live with an alcoholic. But my heart is breaking. It tears me up inside so much that some one I love so incredibly much, someone who has so much potential, someone who loves me so much, can't beat this absolute bas**** of a disease. And I know its not his fault. I know logically that he's not choosing to hurt me, choosing alcohol over me, even though it feels like it.

I know that for my own well being I have to walk away. At least until he gets sober, if he can. But he has helped me through bad times. Has stood by me. Part of me wants to take him back. To promise to stay with him through it all, through the bad times, through thick and thin. Isn't that what we promise when we love someone? His family relations are very bad, I can't stand the thought of abandoning him.

Arghhh. I'm sorry for such a long post, especially my first time here. And such a common story. I just don't have anyone at all to talk to about this. My friends have heard it so many times.

My brain knows what I need to do, but my heart really doesn't want to. So please, reiterate to me what I know. Beat it home.

He has lied and let me down so, so many times in the past. I don't trust him. I feel like I can't let him out of my sight, which is sad and wrong and unhealthy, I know. But the bond we have, the magic, the love, is so amazing.

He is out now, and texting. I told him to stay with a friend but I don't know if he will. He comes back after the pubs close and knocks on my bedroom window to wake me up. Its cold and raining and I don't know what to do if that happens. Ignore him? Refuse to let him in? Allow him to sleep on the sofa?

Sorry again, and thank you in advance.