My idea of moderation for the past several months has been to monitor my bac with a breathalyzer. When I drink I start in the morning ( I work from home often) and once I reach .06 I stop, usually around 11am or so. I won't dare face my wife until I'm back to 0 (negative consquences and all), even if it means heading out of the house and driving around aimlessly until I'm back to 0.
I used to be a heavy drinker then found sobriety for several years before relapsing. It was a bad relapse and after several starts ands stops this is the mode I've settled into. I wouldn't call it moderate or controlled drinking, more like an insidious attempt to conceal my active alcoholism.. All these gyrations and for what? It's insane.
'Incomprehensible demoralization' is so painfully profound in how it describes feeling of shame and guilt at hiding and sneaking, and more importantly how I feel about myself. My sobriety when I had it was for me, and it's like I no longer want good things for myself after all the gifts I received in sobriety.
I've been sober several days and haven't been 'drunk' in several weeks, maybe months but I know t will only be a matter of time if I carry on like this.
So yeah...that's my version of moderation. Had to put it writing somewhere to see how crazy it actually sounds.