Any insight?
Hi,
I am sober for well over 4 years. I work my own program daily. I’ve read extensively about codependence and addiction. I quit for myself yet part of the reason was the severe arguments my wife and I would get into. She usually blamed my drinking. I wasn’t so sure our issues were all the fault of my drinking. She really wanted me to stop through the years and equated my drinking to having an affair. When I quit my wife continued drinking. Either her consumption increased or I just never noticed how much she consumed. I would find her drunk on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon, empty liquor bottles under the sink and finally I called her on it when she started hiding wine boxes in our bedroom closet and was drunk at a school function. She quit drinking though said she didn’t have a problem. She went into therapy over 2 1/2 years ago and is still going. She has become increasingly distant. She says it’s easier just to not talk to me because we think differently. I agree, we do think differently. She accuses me of being the problem. Calls me an alcoholic. Says we are/were enmeshed. Is now holding intimacy at bay. Refuses to go to couples counseling. Is argumentative whenever I try to engage in any real talk about what our issues are. I argue back. Defensiveness is a weakness of mine. We are both working on trying to talk without emotional build up. That is getting better. Today, when I brought up our lack of intimacy she said everything in her life was fine. I told her everything was not fine in my life and our marriage. I know I can’t control anyone or the pace of healing. I may be living with what are the consequences of my drinking past. I also know I need to be patient and back off. Which is hard for me to do. I am increasingly frustrated with her apparent avoidance of me and the issues that face our marriage. It’s like I’m living with a distant roommate. When I am direct I am accused of being mean or condescending or aggressive. Maybe you have some insight on my situation? Maybe I’m sensitive to my wife getting stronger? Am I paying for my sins as a drinker? Am I doomed to a platonic marriage? Is my marriage slowing going down the drain? I am sad, lonely, frustrated and confused.