Z, BREATHE.
You're gonna give yourself a heart attack with all those !!!!!
You didn't do it ALL to yourself. Hindsight is 20/20. We all made decisions that, in retrospect, we wish we hadn't made. They aren't necessarily bad decisions--they just turned out badly due to unforeseen circumstances.
I made some very bad decisions (or what turned out to be bad decisions) in my last two relationships. They cost me money and other valuable things, like my sense of dignity. But it's water under the bridge. When the die has been cast, we have to salvage what we can, and just accept that sometimes bad things happen to nice people. This isn't something you will never recover from.
Please stop beating yourself up.