Hi,
I have after years of self medicating with alcohol finally had to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic
And in order to do that, I need to be brutally honest for once and I could not possibly do that in person, not even with my closest friend.
I am a woman in my 30s, with a good job (I look after young refugees, shift work, tough but still good), lovely friends, family and really no massive problems apart from my inability to stay away from alcohol.
Because I managed to quit smoking 3 years ago, I was convinced I could stop drinking too (it's all willpower, right?) and now realise I cannot do this alone.
I have tried so many times, and each time I cannot sleep, sometimes feel depressed, feel kind of bloated and just, well, not good. Like i have grown a dress size.
So after a day or two, I am back on. When I decide to quit on a certain days, I even go on a massive bender, as "it's the last time". And I cannot stop after one drink, and I really am usually a sensible person, work hard, am reliable and all that.... What is wrong with me?
I realise I use alcohol to cope with my job and everything else but its getting out of hand, not to mention, I am ruining my health. I can feel pain in my Pancreas and liver region already...
It's even gotten so far that I am sometimes still drunk in the morning when I go to work, or that I can't wait to get home so that I can drink. Even while I am writing this, I cannto wait for this night shift to be over and go past the shop on my way home to get the next supply.
It's awful, plus the shame and hiding it from friends and family, feeling like I failed them and myself then drives me to keep drinking even more, so I don't care for a few hours. Even when I go out for drinks with friends, I still want more when I get home, I will literally go to the gas station up the road to get another bottle. And I probably had one before I even went out.
I hide the empty wine bottles in my clothes cupboard to smuggle them to the glass container when nobody can see me for God's sake... Pathetic!
I have no more excuses left and have to find a way to quit for good, but how? I am hoping to find some inspiration and advise here, or even just the feeling I am not alone with this and maybe one day I will be able to help others...
Thank you for any one who reads this xx