Zircon

Hi,
Things in my life feel like they're at a standstill. I can't think beyond the day, because my divorce is far from being settled.
I have an Appt with my lawyer on Friday. This is to discuss our plan for our final hearing on March 7th. I have worked so hard all my life to become who I am, and have earned every penny of what I have. The only thing that was ever given to me was a same inheritance by my mother. I actually wish she had used that money for herself, to enjoy her life!
I'm not a spring chicken! I am now going to have to fight for everything I earned, all the nights I went out to take care of Hospice patients and their families. For 20 years, I was on call at least 3-4 nights a week. It certainly was a privilege, but I worked very hard!! And the thought I have to fight my AH for things I have earned! And also fight for my mother's inheritance.
I am very willing to split everything 50-50, because that is the fair thing to do, even though my AH contribution to our marriage was more like me 70, him 30.
This court date is scheduled for 3hrs. My AH isn't willing to take less than the whole marital home. He made that clear during mediation.
My AH'S sister is paying for a hot shot lawyer for him. I don't have the money to do that. I hired a lawyer I could afford.
I'm hoping the judge can see through his lies, but my AH is very smooth.
I guess, I really only gave myself to blame for the poor life choices I made.
It's surreal to imagine that a judge holds my whole financial future in her hands!
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again!! Sorry if this is all over the place!
It's funny, not really! By AH still has control over my life! Even from miles away! He decided he wouldn't negotiate, so who's in limbo? Me! I honestly don't think my AH cares what the outcome is, just that he can continue to disrupt my life!
Thank you for listening!! I'm sure it doesn't make much sense! Just want this over!

Z