Expanding

This experience is certainly bringing to light areas of my psyche I need to work on... for instance I need to learn that good enough is sometimes good enough and not everything is going to be perfect. So far two contractors I've hired have been late. I had another guy almost bully and harass me into working with him and the reality of me doing this alone has hit me hard. I really think I can be a perfectionist and expect too much out of myself and others. I can have it set in my mind of how things "should" go and have a hard time releasing when it doesn't go that way. So far nothing unmanageable has happened, but I'm seeing I took a value of partnership for granted. There's someone there to help handle the weight of what's going on so it doesn't feel so heavy. These are things I may have been dealing with anyway but I see now how having help lightens the mental load. I also think a lot of this comes down to trust, I have a hard time trusting that someone is going to be there and when they aren't or can't I take it personally.

I didn't expect to learn so much about myself during this process. I can see I'm still fighting an inner voice that's telling me I'm not good enough. Makes me sad that these cycles carry on and that it can be so hard to break the patterns. Sometimes I wonder where it all began