Hey guys, I'm here. Thanks for the posts. They were awesome. I read every single one of them more than once. There is a lot of great advice in them, and I wanted to make sure my cheese brain retained as much of it as it could. They really were great posts.
So, yes, I do have the basic text NA book. The blue one. I got it, ironically, from a girl who was selling me pills. She had more than one book. I wonder how she's doing.....
Anyway, thanks OP for all the awesome advice. I will read that chapter tonight before bed. I like this NA meeting I found so far. Everyone is very nice, and most are close to my age. There is also a nice mix of both men and women, and I like that, too. All in all, so far it's going well. I haven't talked and probably won't for a while as I am such a wallflower. But, I figure I can chat a little before and after meetings to help me open up more. So people can get to know me and I can get to know them. I am the type of person that needs to feel uber comfy in my surrounding environment before I can open up. But, that's just how I am. I wish so much that I could go more though. They have one every day at noon except for the weekends, but right now I can only get a ride for one a week. And, it's too far to walk, and not on the bus route. Sucks cuz I know I would be able to do so much better if I could go every day for a while. This is going to be such a long hard process. I am not deluding myself anymore into thinking that I will wake up one day and this will all be over and just a bad dream. I don't see any happy endings in my near future.
My mom and I are fighting like crazy, and my bro has gone back to his usual self. Nuff said there. Except they are both breaking my back with all their added stress. So, when I say I am going through hell. Through like the worst time in my life, I am NOT being a diva. I am seriously struggling. I read in one of the NA pamphlets I got that sometimes a day at a time isn't enough, and they suggested that you can try just 5 min at a time. So, that's what I am doing right now. 5 min at a time. Am also reading the basic text. Am taking lots of baths like Tea suggested. I am trying. Trying, trying, trying. Trying so hard I feel like I'm gonna kill myself trying.
I am doing those coloring books, too Tea. I love them. And thanks, too for pointing out that my mom is a big trigger for me. I never thought about it much before, but you are right. So right. And, my bro is, too. You helped me realize that, too. So, am going very little contact for awhile. Just what's necessary and nothing more. For now. Because neither of them understand boundaries. Sad really, because I could use some encouragement from them right now. Instead, I have to come here to get amazing encouragement and help. And I do. You guys come through. Every time. I am also trying to think the way Jaddy was saying. That at least I can do this at home. I'm not in jail, and I don't have to work. I can't even imagine that, so I have mad respect for those that do.
Ok. Going to curl up in bed with my puppy. I am hiding until at least Monday. I have no pills, no cigs, no money. Nothing. Nada. So, I figure I better hide until the worst of things pass. I am just so lost right now. All my safety nets are gone. It's just me now. At least the bills are paid. And, of course, my puppy is taken care of. She has, and will never, suffer for my use.
The next few days are going to be hell on earth. I am scared to death.
Love you guys.