darkling

Twenty-five years ago, I was sitting in a hot tub, outside on a second floor deck, drinking. It was snowing. For once, I didn't get drunk. Just buzzed. Nothing bad happened that night. I didn't get in trouble. I still remember it clearly. That was the last time I drank.

In less than 24 hours, I will have been sober for 25 years. I'm sitting here crying.
I wanted to be able to write a wonderfully wise and inspiring post in honor of myself. [No ego here kids!]

Funny thing. I know considerably less right now than what I did 25 years ago when I crawled into my first AA meeting. [That was back when I knew everything.]
I can now freely admit and accept that I am just not that special and not even all that wise. [What a relief!]

In my sobriety, I've had more good than I could ever have imagined, even in my wildest dreams.
But I have also lost more than I ever thought possible.

There are people who would say that I should be sitting here writing how wonderful it is to be sober for this long. That I should be writing a gratitude list that's pages and pages long. Why am I sitting here on the eve of celebrating a quarter century of sobriety, crying and feeling sorry for myself? [And yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.]

For some crazy reason, I thought that when when people joined AA, got and stayed sober, we'd all be bullet-proof and only happy things would happen from then on. Because GODDAMN IT, WE'VE EARNED THAT!

This even started out as a list of all the horrible, painful, unfair, heart-rending things that have happened in my life over the last 25 years. Proof that I am so special that "ordinary" bad stuff didn't happen to me. No. It had to have been EXTRAORDINARILY bad stuff. Cuz I AM that special, you understand.

But life didn't stop happening just cuz I got sober.
It's just life and life just isn't fair. [Oh well.]

So every so often, I let myself sit and remember the sad and bad things and I cry. I throw a little pity-party for myself. Funny thing is, since I got sober, self-pity gets real boring, real fast. It's more interesting to find someone to talk to. It's still strange how other alcoholics just about always understand. Usually cuz they've been thru something similar. Yes, even those of you who don't work the same program as I do. {GASP]

So, here's my gratitude list:
1. YOU.

If it wasn't for each and every one of you out there - whether you're still struggling thru your first 24 hours, or if you've been sober for 60 years [yes, I know someone who has been] - if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here.

You help me remember how much it hurt when I first got sober and that I don't ever want to have to feel that again. You show me that it IS possible to walk thru some pretty awful crap with grace. You've taught me how to laugh and that it's ok to cry. You've shown me that I am not a unique snowflake. I've learned how powerful a simple smile or hug is.

Keep Coming Back!
I can't do this alone.
[and I don't want to!]