Saturday Errands
While I had posted this in the Newcomers section, I was redirected here. By way of brief background, I was married to someone who had issues with binge drinking, resulting in a DWI, an affair, and an eventual divorce. I have primary custody of our two small children. Fourteen months ago, a mutual friend introduced me to a man that I quickly fell in love with.
On Thursday night, while having the "where is this going?" conversation, he told me that he's been hesitant to move things forward because he is an alcoholic. I had my suspicions, but it was kind of like one of those "a-ha" moments when everything suddenly falls into place. Right now, I am struggling with what to do. I love him. Very much. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Obviously, this recent development is a deal breaker. He's not a mean drunk - he's not aggressive or abusive - and (other than the alcoholism, obviously) has all of the traits that I'd look for in a life partner.
I know that he doesn't want this, but I don't know if he's ready to really accept treatment and go through the life altering process of getting sober. I don't know if I'll love him after that either - or if he'll still love me. And, what I struggle with more than anything - how can I leave him? How can I leave him now as he wrestles with this? How could I leave him in the future if he gets sober and I realize that we're unhappy?
So, he dropped this bomb on Thursday night and left yesterday to go ice fishing with his buddies for the weekend. And we all know what that means. He called and texted me last night, and I could tell he was really trying to show me that he was acting responsibly. Whatever that means. Then, this morning, I ran my errands, which included a trip to the liquor store. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I reached down to grab a bottle of whiskey for him when it hit me - what the hell was I doing? I must have stood there for five minutes, just staring at the bottle in my hand and wrestling with myself. Is this my battle to fight? Do I even want to fight this battle? What kind of message am I sending? Isn't this just pushing it under the rug and pretending he's not an alcoholic? Isn't this his choice? What the hell am I going to do? Ultimately, I put the bottle down and walked out of the store, deciding that it was his choice to drink the poison, but it didn't mean I had to hand him the bottle.
I guess it didn't really hit me until I logged on today - things are only going to get worse for him if he doesn't stop drinking. If I choose to stay with him, that means things are going to go that route for me too. But here's my greatest fear - let's say he tells me he's unwilling to go to treatment and I leave him. I know you'll all tell me that can't be the reason I stay, but this man is a good person. Genuinely. And if I leave, there will be no one else to hold him accountable or keep him from drinking himself to death. Basically, I feel like I'm in a "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" situation.