Let my son go
This is my first post on this site, so I figured I would use it to explain my week and the choices I (and my wife) have had to make.
My son, who is in his early 20s, is a heroin addict and has been for at least 4 years. He was arrested 2 years ago, was forced into rehab then halfway house and finally to a house of recovering addicts. During the process he worked a job and seemed to be on the mend.
Over Christmas, he came out the 50 miles to visit (and get his Christmas gift, of course), and we all (my wife, stepdaughters and a son-in-law) noticed that he and a girl he brought (who was wearing an I love pot bracelet) appeared out of sorts. In particular my son-in-law and I noticed they appeared stoned or worse. What could I do? He got his gift and left.
Soon after New Years I got sudden calls from said random girl. He was in jail (various lies about why) and needed bailing out. His mother had long ago refused to answer those calls, as he lived with her during all his bad years. She is worn out and who can blame her? After deliberation with my wife, I bailed him out. Biggest mistake of my life, as you will see.
In the ensuing weeks, he has sunk into heavy heroin use and homelessness and crime. My wife texted him earlier this week at my request, and a sob story ensued that had us believing he needed help and was really ready to change.
I went and got him and brought him to our region. He looked like a homeless person, not like a strong 20 something he should be. I took him to our small vacation home and sat with him for 3 days watching him 24/7 and talking to him when he wanted to while he tried to detox. I bought him new clothes and cleaned him up, though I was unprepared for seeing needle wounds all over his arms. My wife back home lined up rehab facilities and he made it to day 4. He and I both were on no sleep--I had to work and hold meeting while watching him writhe around.
Abruptly yesterday morning he wanted to go back to our main house. My wife worked with him all day long to plan out the trip to rehab. Keep in mind that he begged us for help, for guidance, and for oversight. He then demanded to be returned home, to think things over. We knew what he was after, so we begged, pleaded, rationalized, but all for naught. He insisted and got very panicky. We could not keep him against his will.
We drove him back last night. He asked for money, which I tersely declined. He asked for gas for his car, which I also declined. He stormed out of the car and that was that. I can guess what he is doing right now.
In hindsight, I should have left him in jail. He would have been (relatively) safe but off the street and sober and fed. I feel a startling lack of emotion right now, though. My wife and I are back at the vacation home where I kept him this week. It made me a little sad but then it quickly faded. I wonder if my brain is subconsciously shutting off my normal compassionate demeanor?
I know many of you as parents have done this exact thing and had to let go, knowing full well it might be the last time you ever see him. My wife and I feel we did everything we could. I should have left him in jail. That thought haunts us both.