Yes, I guess I was upbeat when I made up my two goals- the walks and the degree. But my mood goes up and down like a rollercoaster during a day. The disappointment in my AH and the fact that he let me down makes me stubborn-angry and makes me think " Ok, so you didn't care about your own family, then I'll have to do it for myself and my son and I will make it! I will be the man you weren't ". These thoughts help me forward, setting up goals, and the next moment I feel so sad, helpless and lonely wishing so bad my AH was here and telling him how bad me and Aaron need him. Memories flashing by. Miss him so much.
I have always been a very proud and independent woman not wanting a man to provide for me, getting my university degree in my twenties, working my economy out, an apt and car of my own etc. and I never needed, nor did I want a man to take care of me in that way. I picked my AH out of sheer love, because he loved and cared about me and I did the same with him and wanted a whole life with him. And so, even if I'm feeling worse than ever, I'm still stubborn and proud and want to make it on my own and pursue another degree. I still want to be independent and I do it for Aaron. I want him to have the best in life even if he doesn't have a father and I want him to be proud of mommy one day when he's old enough. When I feel like I don't want to do anything and that I can't do it anymore, that I just want to give up on everything, I think about my son and that I can't be selfish. I tell myself every day, over and over again : I'll do it for Aaron with the help from God. Aaron is my strenght and my motivation.
Yeah, my poor MIL. She said that Aaron is her only hope since her both sons are addicts and that they don't/didn't want to get sober. She puts so much hope in Aaron to become what his father wasn't able to, and she puts her trust in me and believes I will give him a good upbringing because I'm educated and "smart". My MIL is happy she has my little boy since her son is gone and her life is so dark and miserable. I'm also happy we can comfort eachother and that she has my Aaron to relieve her pain and fill her heart with joy.
Aasharon, I'm so thankful for you, my angels on SR and I will be here updating you on me and Aaron and I will never, ever forget that you all were there for me when I needed you the most 😢.