So much pretending
I'm not totally sure I'm ready to tell these secrets. They are secrets to me.
For some reason, it's hitting me tonight that there is so much pretending going on. I would always try and pretend that I wasn't drunk or tipsy. I would drink a glass or two of wine before my boyfriend came over so that when I poured a drink, it looked like my first one. Or I would drink from my glass but add more alcohol to it when he wasn't looking to look like I hadn't drank that much. Or he would go to the other room and I would run into the kitchen and take a few swallows. I needed to keep up the image that I wasn't drinking that much because of him previously saying he didn't like my heavy drinking. I would drink at home, walk to his house and have another drink there because he didn't know that I drank at home. And then trying to pull off that I'm not wasted later. I even swigged mouthwash once so he wouldn't taste it on me. But I totally blamed it on him because he is the one who complained about me drinking too much in the beginning of our relationship. And I honestly never felt like it was too much. It wasn't like I was getting drunk every night. And I have a stressful job. I'm allowed to kick back sometimes. But it's all starting to look clearer that this isn't normal behavior. And then if it's not normal, then what? I rarely was drunk like you see on tv. More like drunk and go to sleep. I would also ALWAYS look at the alcohol content in the beer. Even if I didn't like the taste so much, I would always buy/order the most bang for my buck. So I could get away with three beers that had a 6.8% and justify that I just had three. Not a big deal.