I am a "recovering rebounder"
Just like alkies have an addiction to their "drug of choice" I have an addiction to fantasies. I have this checklist in my head of what the perfect relationship should look like. When I meet a charming young lady who meets many of the items on that list my dysfunction kicks in and fantasizes that all the items on my list are checked off.
That is where I get in trouble, I am only seeing part of reality. The other part is entirely made up in my head.
When my ex and I separated I rebounded hard with a lovely, kind and very intelligent woman that I met in a meeting. She had just lost her ex to this disease and was as scared and lonely as I was. Later on, when I had done some recovery work on me I realized I was in love with a person that strongly resembled this woman, but that existed partially in my fantasy.
I got lucky. She came to the same realization at the same time. We literally looked at each other one day and said "What are we doing?" Today we are still best of friends, but the only place we could really make a marriage work is in our imagination. ( ok, I am a short little fat fellow and she is way tall and skinny, but that's a whole 'nother story. )
A few years after that I met another lovely lady. This time I did much better. Much less fantasy on my part, much more reality, and the relationship went really well... until she relapsed. At that point I was able to not fantasize and allow her the dignity of making her own choices.
I have learned in recovery that almost every single time I am in some kind of emotional pain over relationships, or addiction in the relationships, it is because I have allowed my fantasies to cloud over reality. When I get back into my program, remove the blinders that cause denial, and accept reality the way it is, my life is much simpler, healthy and serene.
And I've also been meeting a lot of women who are quite healthy and serene. They are out there, and they are much easier to find when I am looking at reality instead of my fantasies.
Mike
