Good call on calling me out on my imagination! It truly has been my worst enemy throughout this process (even when we were together). The unknown and having my brain run wild with the different scenarios of what's going on. I wish there was an "off" switch for that! Keeping busy helps the most but I can't help but have things creep in there from time to time. Out, out I say!
The irony is that I don't want her to have a bad life. I just also know the statistics of success when it comes from addiction and relationships without a true recovery. So it's bad news to hear in that regard - not just jealous actions.
I knew this was possible as our relationship started very quickly after a prior one, and our last breakup (and this one), she was on the dating sites before even being fully out the door. To her, a relationship is absolutely critical and I think the #1 focus and need for a fulfilled life. I can't fault her for this, I have seen it before and have friends in the same pattern and for some it's worked.
In a way I may be jealous of the way they can so easily exit a relationship and enter a new one so quickly and efficiently, a talent that's mostly eluded me in my life. I don't do well in the search, but give my whole heart once it starts (and have learned I need to work on the red flags up front instead of just course correcting to make everything work regardless of issues).
I will work on putting these thoughts out of my head. I think 7 months later I have finally reached the point where a true no contact can take place so long as no one tries to offer me information or I run into her at the grocery store. It took us that long to settle things, and in a weird way I think we both dragged it out way longer than we needed to. She dragged it out until she had a new relationship, and I dragged it out hoping she'd find recovery and we'd have some weird chance down the road.
Ultimately I just want us both to be happy, so in my mind, I will try and fast forward the tape to me in a stable, happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship and not worry about how or when I'll get there, just have faith in myself and that I can get there some day. These are the thoughts I need to focus on, and I need to continue to try to get her out of my head which I should be able to do more with time and distance and a true, final no contact that had to come with this revelation.
Thanks for listening! I appreciate hearing all the insights, it is so helpful to me in my growth and self-assessment.