Wells

Not through any fault of my own, though a distant friend I ran into, I found out that my ExAGF (separated around 7 months now) is seeing someone new.

If you follow any of my earlier threads, I have said I have been able to remain in limited contact with occasional interactions with her, but we had been keeping it business only and not really anything about relationships, drinking, the past, etc. Around a week ago, she contacted me about dropping off the rest of my things and we had a great brief interaction where she offered she was 3 weeks sober and working on a recovery, left the remaining items she had of mine and was off. The interaction makes more sense now -- With a new relationship starting, she needs to do the right things. No more contact with her ex who she lived with for 10 years. And no more drinking. It makes sense now.

I believe she was finding ways to initiate most of this contact when she was alone, but with someone new, expect there is no reason for contact to continue, so I will be doing the same as well.

I have to admit, I didn't really want to hear about her starting a new relationship, and I'm not sure why if it's out of jealousy that my ex has a new guy in her life, or that it's out of genuine concern that she learn to recover and be with herself and get well before she start down the road of a relationship again. Maybe it is both. I do realize that of course it's none of my business, and have no intention of knowing anything further for my own well-being (this was an accidental bit of knowledge anyway).

All that said, it's got me to thinking - I've been out of the relationship with her for 7 months now, after 10 years together with so many ups and downs fueled by alcohol. But here I sit, still cruising the forums, looking for support, offering support, learning more about what happened, yet having not even dipped a toe into the dating pool again. I wasn't waiting for her to get well, mind you, but I also seemed to have no interest myself in dating someone or starting a new relationship. As time goes on I am starting to become a bit more bothered by being alone, so I imagine at some point that feeling will outweigh the fears/concnerns/work/effort of jumping into the dating pool again, though I still feel a bit uninterested in it all for some reason. Starting a brand new relationship just seems like work.

I guess I'm trying to understand a bit more as to why us codies may have so much more trouble rebounding into a new relationship than the problem drinkers / alcoholics do. Everyone has a right to be happy, mind you - If she's found a path to enlightenment and a new relationship is allowing her to get better, it is a positive thing. I genuinely want her to do well. But I want me to do well, too, and I guess what I am jealous of and wrestling with today is, why she caused such turmoil, and gets to be enjoying the comfort and company of a new relationship, and here I sit, alone, lonely, having trouble even considering getting back into the fray again. It seems like such an unfair component of this environment, being a codependent having been in such a long term battle, giving up the battle, then still feeling like I've fallen onto the losing end of it.

Anyway, just some thoughts for the day. Not trying to be melancholy mind you, sorry if the post is a bit of a downer vs. the others. I'm going to be fine, of that I am sure. Lonely but fine for now! It just stings a bit to know now with certainty that she's moving into a new relationship just months after our long term relationship ended, done nothing to search for a recovery program (other than stopping for a few weeks), and on she is to the company of someone new. Sometimes it seems like the As get all the upside, and us Codies get all the downside.

I'm off to exercise, thanks for reading! Thoughts welcome as always.