dontburntheday

I had known my friend since we were around 13 years old. He knew my mother in active addiction as well as recovery and supported me when she died. When my drinking really ramped up he was very concerned and felt that I was doing what had ruined my mother's life. He was right but I wasn't ready to deal with it. He quietly encouraged me from time to time but didn't push. The thing is that he was only one of two people who knew both my mother and I during our active addictions. He had a very unique perspective and really it was a gift to have someone who had known her and therefore me through such a hugely important part of my life. I had been trying to moderate my drinking off and on for about 18 months but was essentially drinking every day when he died. Right after I got the phone call I decided I was going to get my drinking "under control." Not for him or because of him, but his death at 41 was a giant "you are wasting your life doing this" wake up call. That meant "only on weekends" which really isn't under control at all but I suppose it was a start. I kept this going for a while until I had two consecutive weekends of binge drinking and decided enough was enough. That was last week.

I say all this to explain how important this man was to me and how wrapped up he was in my drinking history. His memorial was last night and I was very anxious about getting through it emotionally, about the fact that it was on the first Saturday I wouldn't be drunk in years, about the fact that alcohol would be present. I could have chosen not to go to protect myself, but I decided that I would make a plan, stick to it, and leave if I needed to. It was important to me that I be there.

There was in fact a lot of alcohol being served. It was difficult not to accept the first drink, but as the night went on it really was okay. I told people I quit drinking and they were great about "let's step outside and get some fresh air" if I needed to. As the night went on, several people got sloppy drunk and I absolutely know that one of them could have been me. It was very weird to see people behaving in the way I am sure I have behaved many times at this person's memorial of all places - with alcohol being such a topic between he and I. Again, it was a gift.

I am so glad that I went and I am even more glad that I was completely sober for it. I saw friends and family I hadn't seen in many years, got to hear and tell stories of my friend, and also got to sit with my emotions about losing him, all sober. I am sad that he did not get to see me make this change but I know the change is for me, not for him or anyone else. I drove home sober, spent some time with my kids sober, and went to bed sober. Slept for 9!!!! hours which I must have needed emotionally. I'm not happy about any of this really, but I'm grateful that things have unfolded as they have and that I got to experience this the way that I did. Sorry for the long post.