The hope I got in Alanon wasn't that my wife would stop drinking but that I could start feeling better. I spent so many years more or less frustrated, annoyance, anger, judgement were frequent companions, and in the end 3 years ago the self-righteous vindication of my suspicions was just too much. I sure couldn't think my way out of all that having tried many times.. so the lesson I got is that I could feel better whether she stopped drinking or not- and I have found that to be true.
She has spent most of the last 10 years emotionally walled off and isolated from family life with our daughter and I, still more or less the case for the last 3 since she's been dry. My recovery in that time amounts to learning how to let her be the way she's going to be and not increase conflict. Up until recently I've been responsible for all the bills, still am doing the groceries, all kid logistics & laundry.
So my day-to-day attitude is I can't rely on her to do much or to get involved... she is really tied up inside her own head, which I understand having been there for many years myself. The emotional & physical isolation is hard to bear sometimes- having lots of recovery friends helps. I can talk freely to them & vise versa so the isolation is eased.
My alanon sponsor is a double-winner, he often talks about how sincere and apologetic an alcoholic can be when they're in the middle of a "jackpot". But they will drink anyway.