Mester, the Steps are specifically designed for removal of some of these problems. Maybe give it a try, what's the worst that could happen?
Your anger, resentments and fear are coming through loud and clear to me; I can imagine your wife and kids have had to deal with these issues too. As a woman, that kind of behavior from a spouse is frightening - especially from a man who uses firearms in his job. I can imagine she has learned from past experience that when you are drinking it is worse.
I've left two men because of anger and resentment and entitlement (control) issues on their parts. I'm glad I did. I was afraid of them. I think she did the right thing removing the kids from this atmosphere.
The Steps are free and will set you free. I don't go to AA, but I do see the value and the psychological soundness of the Steps.
Something needs to change beyond just not drinking.