Newbie - it's a long one
Evening all,
I don't even know where to start. Have been with my husband for 10years, 3 daughters and just found out I'm expecting number 4.
Before we met, he was a cocaine and weed user. He went to rehab and in my naivety I thought he would be cured. Over the years I found he smoked weed, I didn't like it, he wouldn't do it around me. But he smoked it full time. 7years ago his behaviour wasn't making sense, went through his phone and realised he was using cocaine. Said he stopped, I've lost times how many times he's done it in the last 7years, can go months without using it then I catch him.
He lies to me, makes out I'm crazy and seeing things, but I bought some swab tests and if I'm suspicious I wipe surfaces in the bathroom. It's always the same, he's sorry won't do it again. Etc etc.
The last time I caught him was March, but I didn't get angry tried to understand and support him. Thought it was a turning point.
Forward wind, to Saturday. Now he's a big drinker, drinks every evening more on a weekend. I go to bed around 10, but Saturday I woke up with the little one at 2am. Unlocked phone to see time and he'd sent a text before i was asleep like normal but it said he was online. I went downstairs and he's wide awake. He'd drank a bottle of red, half bottle of wine. Several JD and rum. I just knew. So swabbed in the morning and both bathrooms are positive for Coke.
Approach him, normally hell admit after a day or so. But he's still denying it.
Thinking back, I've been slack and not reading the signs. But he's had a 'sniffly nose' for months.
He is a big betting man, he earns well and I have no idea how much he spends on betting. He has an addictive personality. He doesn't go out, just does it at home. He gave up weed 4years ago and cigarettes a year ago.
Everything has been so perfect, we'd been trying for a baby and a week ago got a positive test. But I feel empty and numb. I'm so scared, it really is the final straw.
He won't admit, says the tests are wrong (I dabbed one tile as opposed to wipe and got a perfect straight 1cm blue line). I stand by them.
He was meant to go to meetings in March but it never happened.
I just don't know what to do, I can't carry on like this but the future scares me, especially being a single Mum to 4 children.
Rehab is an option, if he decides to go down that route. His only other option is to move back to his parents. Life just can't carry on.
I've really waffled, I'm so sorry. I have no friends or family who know. No one to talk to.