Just a Really Bad Day
About 4 years ago, something in me broke. I had family issues coming at me from multiple sources and I believe I had a sort of nervous breakdown from the stress. I was depressed and suicidal. I was drinking heavily as well. I was 44 years old and I started cutting myself with a razor blade on my thighs. It gave me relief and a distraction. I am fairly certain the cutting saved my life. My husband wanted me hospitalized but I refused. I told him the police would have to come and get me before I would go. At that point, I would have rather been dead than hospitalized. I did seek counseling and stopped cutting.
These family issues never went away. Through other circumstances, we ended up packing up and moving to the next state. I was happy for a while but still drinking. The difference was I had made new drinking friends and we had a lot of fun. I was not drinking to numb the pain so much. I had a new job and a new life away from my aggressors. Things were stable.
Fast forward a couple years. I was let go of the job I liked as I was "not a fit" after a year and half of working there. I took a new job that was so stressful I had to quit after 8 months. I just cannot handle that kind of stress anymore I have discovered.
I cracked wide open again a few weeks ago and tried to hurt myself. My niece that I had stayed close to in spite of the drama decided she did not want a relationship with me anymore and cut me out of her life. She even had her sister do the same. I was destroyed. That pain was so deep and so awful. I tried to catch myself some hypothermia by walking outside after my husband went to bed in shorts and a tank top in 10 degree temps. I wanted to die. My friend who I had spoken to earlier had gotten my husband up and they discussed again hospitalizing me after locking me in the house. Again, I refused. That night, my husband would not physically let go of me in bed. He looked so tired the next day. I felt awful.
I quit drinking the next day and it has been 3 weeks now. I am feeling better. I am unemployed though and having a hard time finding something suitable. I cannot handle the stress level I used to be able to handle. I am feeling pretty down today. I cried. A close friend called me who has stage 4 lung cancer and had no idea I had an alcohol addiction. I finally told her. I cried again. She suggested meds as everyone seems to. I just cannot. I have taken them before and they make me feel terrible. I have dry eyes and those meds make it so bad I can hardly function. I always felt worse and had responsibilities to take care of. I did not have time to be sick from medication I did not want to take anyway.
Alcohol is black death to me. It WILL kill me eventually if I go back. My physical and mental health has suffered. Now I have to deal with the aftermath and all of the stuff I have not wanted to deal with up until now. I do not want to start all over with therapy and re tell my family dysfunction. I am honestly sick of talking about it. I have been using exercise as my therapy lately. I need to go today as I feel so awful.
So anyway, just venting a little after a couple of good cries today.