Hi wontbeme, and welcome. I'm glad you decided to start posting. In my experience, it really helps to express how you're feeling and to hear from others in similar boats, as well as those who have figured out a way to shore.
One of the big realities you probably already know from lurking, right? The only life we can change is our own. For me, once I focused on that and stopped trying to figure out how to change my STBXAH, I was able so see what I needed to do. I visualized it, and I did it. It's not easy to make a change, but at a certain point staying stuck is even harder.
Welcome, and keep posting. It really helps. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here.