wontbeme

Hi everyone. I just registered today, but I have been lurking on these forums for nearly 3 years. Everything that I have read has helped me a lot. In the time I have been a lurker, I have separated from my AW, started to clear my head, but reconciled 6 months later and let the roller coaster ride continue. We have been married almost 10 years, and have no children together, but each have an older child from previous relationships.

My AW has been a heavy drinker our entire relationship. Gas lighting is the norm, along with the typical blame game. She gets drunk every chance that she gets. I have tried to "keep the peace" by not engaging when she is ranting, but that only builds up my resentment for her. When I have tried to have serious talks about how I am affected by the alcohol abuse, I hear from her that I am selfish and only care about myself. I have also been identified as the cause of the alcohol abuse.

I know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. I feel so helpless and so worn down. I lover her and want her to get help, but, I see that has to be her choice. I want to leave again, but I can't bring myself to do it this time.

Thanks for listening.