BLueWeepingRose

This is very long. I just need to post this up. I've been hiding this for so long now and I'm tired of hiding it.

For as long as I can remember I suffered with bipolar disorder, PTSD and anxiety due to getting bullied and getting beat up. Never fit in High School and I constantly got bullied a lot. When I found a group of friends I befriended them and thought they were my true friends. They weren't my true friends. They lied to me and betrayed me. Still to this day I beat myself up about it and think horrible things about myself. I still constantly struggle and I miss my boyfriend who overdosed. For so long I beat myself up about his death and thought everything was my fault. The friends who I thought were my friends weren't. He even thought the same and trusted them. Both of us were outsiders and hardly had any friends. We both wanted to be accepted by others. At the time it was important to us. I constantly hated looking at myself in the mirror because I thought I was a loser and many times I thought about ending my life.

Remember when I was at a party, they made fun of me and laughed at me. Could feel the face burning hot with embarrassment and cried in the bathroom. I ended up getting high that night and ended up fighting them. Hated who I was becoming inside and I was so full of rage. Remember my boyfriend holding my hand and telling me to let it go and simply just walk away. I was so young and it was only the beginning. So many people were looking at me and some of them looked at me shocked and disgusted.

This is what I keep thinking about constantly.... the night when I first got high and felt myself change. All I wanted to do was numb it. This whole thing is haunting me so much. Something inside of me just changed. I was tired of being made fun of and pushed around. I believe my traumatic past lead me to drugs. I allowed so many people to abuse me and beat me up. I never fought back and I no longer felt like a sweet person any longer.

Now I'm in therapy and that I don't try to do drugs anymore. The one person who I can't stop thinking about is: Jordan ((my boyfriend)) and how he changed me. He was his fair share of problems, but he constantly reminded me what a great person I was and for the first time I felt happy. It's what truly made me want to get clean. Just saw my therapist two days ago and I mentioned him and my therapist told me to not beat myself any longer about his death. Deep down I know it wasn't my fault and I know getting over his death is hard for me to accept still. Everyday I look at his photo: he's smiling and looks so happy. My mind keeps going back to the night where I got beat up and he's holding a ice pack to my nose and told me to tilt my head back. As I was sitting there in pain and agony, he held my hand and told me that I'll be okay. Loved the way he smiled at me and kissed me that night. He was sweet and gentle with me, his voice got much softer when speaking to me and it was a instant give away that he truly loved me. I plan to continue to go to therapy and my meetings so I can grief better about my past.