What do A's do when they're trying to stop drinking?
They attempt to control it through their own willpower. Thus, the reason to admit that only a Higher Power can restore them to sanity. Same twelve steps apply to codies. I finally realized I was as crazy, if not crazier, than my AH. That's when I realized I had hit bottom and was going to drive myself nuts having expectations of normal behavior from an addict and trying to convince him that there was something wrong with HIM. Reading all of Melody Beattie's books, attending Al-Anon, getting into counseling, reaching out for the support of others at meetings got my focus off the addict in my life and onto ME.
None of this stuff happens overnight. I was in therapy for a solid year before the lightbulb went off in my head! It's natural for you to grieve the loss of someone you were close to. Just keep in mind that addicts are frequently in denial about ANYTHING to the point that they really aren't getting close to you - dependent maybe - but not close as in the sort of emotional intimacy that goes on in healthy relationships.
It sounds to me as if you're working on you and doing a good job at it. There will be days when you might doubt it, but hang in there - THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NOT A TRAIN!