Originally Posted by
Thumper 
Two of my kids are like that. It's their personality. On track to follow in her mom's footsteps....I don't know......She's just 8yo and even if she is a carbon copy of her mom I'd be careful of associating challenging personalities negatively with a parent. It's useless and hurtful in the long run. She is who she is and has to manage this world regardless of which parent she inherited that from.
Mine have been in counseling here and there. It does help a little bit and it helps me too because we meet together and come up with strategies etc. One see's a developmental pediatrician. My other two kids are nothing like that and they have the same home and atmosphere and parenting. One's a twin for goodness sake. I don't think it is my 'fault'. I think humans are just different.
It's hard. It's exhausting and relentless and it can tear a person down because we feel like we are failing at the one thing that is most important to us.. and trust me - everyone has judgement for a single mom. Schools, friends, family, people on the street. It's always our fault. I can guarantee you I've been judged and questioned about every choice, every mistake, every shortcoming my kids have, every grade, all their mistakes, it's open season. Their dad has never received a single phone call or question in the last 6 years. Just sharing as a reminder to be gentle with her mom if you can as long as something neglectful or completely incompetent isn't going on. I sometimes do things I should not, like give in or not remain consistent, because I'm tired. I am only human. One human with not enough sleep and to much work and high needs children and no one to share the load with. Sometimes I get breaks the only way I can and I f something else up to get it - and someone, somewhere, is creating an opinion on that.
ETA: Not to say that behavior like that can just be ignored . Obviously it is not acceptable and not good for the child or the rest of the family.. A counselor is a great idea. They have helped us out a lot over the years by finding strategies etc for the kids, for me, for us as a family.
Honestly, if anything, I understand the mom better than my bf does. She and I talked about how the bf and I have the opportunity to tag team the kids. I spend time with the oldest while he tends to the needier younger one. She has no help, no partner to assist her when she's stressed out. She came by for Christmas and spent some time with us and I got up and hugged her and welcomed her in. I even gave her something for Christmas. She joked about how we could be BFF's if it weren't for the man we have in common. The other day she told me that she used to be a super strict parent but that she had to loosen the reigns once she got divorced because juggling a career and kids as a single mom is tough. I agreed and we commiserated about that as single moms because I felt the same thing. I had to give up controlling every aspect of my son's life when I went back to work and trying to manage life on my own.
Yet, at times, she also complains to me about my bf and she tries to get me on her side about things that rationally don't make sense to me and I think she forgets that my primary alliance is to her ex-husband. She throws my bf under the bus when she can and I try to not get triangulated into a mess by staying neutral and changing the subject or just nodding to go along and get along, you know?
And, you're right. The daughter is just who she is. She's a tough cookie, that's for sure and I'm SOOOO not used to it. I grew up in a house of sisters and even though my younger sister was stubborn, she was never this angry as K is.
I hope counseling gives my bf and his ex some answers and some parenting tactics that help. He and I both think she needs consistency but it's so hard to work on that when kids are moving between houses so much.