I appreciate everyone taking the time to read and respond. And those who just read, if it helped even one person at the right time, it was all worth saying!
It is nice to hear from those of you who like me took inventory at the holidays, and stepped back to look at the big picture, despite the natural nostalgia and lonely feelings that can creep in around times that become about family. Some great wisdom in the replies in this thread.
What I wanted to be sure I wrote down (and this was as good a place as any) was that I didn't have to hate my ex or stop loving her or even forget about the good memories we had together, as long as I didn't let that thinking fog the reasons why the relationship had to end.
Regarding depression - I feel for anyone who has ever suffered from any level of clinical or even un-diagnosed depression. I've had a couple spells here and there, but to live with it every day, that's gotta be awful. I truly believe that my ex and many others who suffer from addictions have a level of depression, and turn to the substances as the medicine when the doubt of prescribed treatment sets in, or the prescribed treatment doesn't work.
I imagine if every time you got a headache, and you took advil, and the advil did nothing, you'd keep searching for your own miracle cure too. Unfortunately for some, that becomes alcohol, which begets deeper depression, and being convinced that traditional medicines and treatment are fruitless.
I do not know if she stopped her meds but I suppose it is possible. She did remark she wanted to be "drug free" when we were splitting up, but when I reminded her alcohol was a drug, she sort of clammed up. She was proud to have gotten off the pills she was addicted to over the years, all by herself, and I was proud too - I think she just felt taking ANY kind of daily pill was a weakness of character.
The hard part when you see the fire burning is to not run over with the hose and try to put it out, which I tried to do for so many years. Of course I know that the right answer to solving her depression would be eliminating the alcohol depressant, perhaps trying new meds, or even new doctors, until the right person and the right medication is found. But given the medication time to work without alcohol clouding it up. Would there be any sense in having said this to her then or ever? None.
I hope she finds recovery in this new year and discovers her full potential and a life without sadness or depression, where alcohol isn't needed because the right balance has been found elsewhere. Heck, who knows, without the alcohol she may find she can truly get "drug free" after all if it turns out that the only reason her depression was increasing was because the alcohol intake was increasing. You never know. It's a nasty cycle.
I've gotten a bit sidetracked myself here, mostly just wanted to say thanks to you all for sharing and be well in the new year - We're just a few days away and while the holidays can be depressing after a breakup, a new year for many also represents a new start. As much as our ex's love their new starts, which just become a restart of the same problematic cycle, we get the true new start where we can build a life where we come first and we can be free of all that stress.
Happy New Year!