I lived with a selfish alcoholic. Your AH sounds just as selfish as the rest. Nobody here will judge you for feeling out of control in a single moment where you lost it. I have lost it, not necessarily with violence, in many instances with my xa. One time I accidentally hit him in the nose while we were driving. From the outside, your life with him sounds miserable. Where is there any communication and intimacy? Where is there a man who actually cares to spend time with you instead of drinking? How happy are you? Content? Safe?
My xA did the equivalent of drinking in the barn except we didn't have that much property. Instead he sat in a chair by the t.v. and cracked beer after beer after beer while shouting out ppl thru headphones playing video games. He worked about 2 yrs out of the 10 we were together. Even when he had $, he certainly didn't want to give me any. He DID need a beer/hard alcohol fund, ya know. Shoes for his kid, ppffft?? He knew I would take care of that. I finally got tired of being used. I got tired of paying all the bills and doing all the housework while a grown man sat in that freakin chair shouting at a t.v., drank beer and essentially ignored the realities and responsibilities of life.
You have to think about how you want to spend your days. Is what you explained about, Groundhogs Day, how you want to spend your
life?