Unwound

I know for some people this distinction may not matter but it matters to me. These are just my thoughts and feelings right now, please don't interpret what I'm writing as me stating facts about how things are.

One thing was very clear to me which is that I was drinking way too, much even for a big guy (20 stone): I was getting through 2 75cl bottles of vodka a week (sometimes 1L) + 2-3 bottles of wine and was working my way to a third bottle of vodka a week.

It was making me feel bad, causing me health problems and starting to mess up my family/social life and so I decided enough was enough and quit.

This was also partly motivated by brother coming over (who is a raging black out drunk and has been for 15 years) who came over 2 weeks ago and went out the pub with us (where he was out drinking me on beers 2:1 and sneaking shots). Then when we got back home he drank a litre bottle of vodka in 40 minutes and passed out (we thought he was drinking pints of coke, later found that it was pints of vodka mixed with just enough coke to look like it). To top it off he woke up at 5:00 am, crashed around the place enough to wake me up and then as I came down to find out what was going on I saw him careering out of the driveway in his car to drive 40 miles home. That got me thinking, and I decided, "I don't want that to be me.".

Christmas Day was tough, I had told everyone in advance I had quit drinking but that didn't stop the subject coming up and questions and everyone was still drinking of course (including my brother who was there). However I got through it sobriety intact. I am having this internal argument with myself though and would appreciate it some experienced feedback:

Here's the case for why I'm an alcoholic:

1) The volume of drinking which has been steadily increasing for 10 years was now huge as described and is 100% in "problem drinking" area no way I can pretend my consumption is normal.

2) I have had physical cravings for alcohol (it feels similar to when I quit smoking 20 years ago).

3) I have a family history of alcohol abuse (my Dad drinks heavily but I wouldn't say has a problem).

4) I had been starting to plan my life around drinking (I would have "on" days and "off" days and plan my activity around it).

5) I had started sneaking drinking into areas where it should not be (i.e. work time, even if it was when working from home but still counts).

6) I have been having more and more health problems which are most likely connected to alcohol but which I either masked with more alcohol or ignored because I didn't want to acknowledge my drinking was causing me problems.

Reasons why I'm not:

1) I can (have!) stop(ped) drinking and very rarely drank to stupor, sickness or blackout. My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot stop drinking once they have started (this may be incorrect, I don't know). I can and do stop, my brother does not, he has to go until he passes out or it is all gone.

2) I don't feel like I have "No control over alcohol", I would often drink more than I intended to but I never felt out of control. An aside but one of the things I don't like about "AA" is the religious element and surrendering (it feels wrong to me), I know you can leave that out and take what you need etc. but it seems so fundamental to the setup.

3) I don't think I ever felt the "need" to drink I think it was just an easy, lazy coping strategy that I adopted for a while and which is now causing me way too many problems which is why I'm cutting it out.

4)I don't feel like I'm alcoholic (or maybe I just don’t like the label), I know it's wrong to stereotype but I still have a good job which I am highly successful at and a good family and generally decent social circle. I know here are tonnes of functioning alcoholics and I may well have been one of them but it's very difficult to know. What's the difference between a functioning alcoholic and someone who just drinks too much?

5) I did not drink every day, or in the mornings or at innappropiate occasions, maybe this just makes me an organised drunk, I don't know.

Why this is important:

I want to know if I need to stop drinking forever (this is my current plan), or if it some point I may be able to resume normal "safe" drinking as I did manage for many years. If I really an alcoholic should I go to or try "AA" am I just better on my own? I worry about being around a lot of other addicts might make me worse not better.

If your still reading this, thank you and let me know what you think.

Thanks.